I couldn't recall a time that I was slim. All my life, I grew up thinking and seeing myself as fat. Nowadays I call myself curvaceous and voluptuous in all the right places that my husband adores. Still there are days when I struggle, when I look in the mirror and tell myself, if only I were slim, if only I were so many kilos lighter, if only I can wear sizes that are not double digits...if only, if only, if only. My struggles also carry forward to conversations with my partner starting with lines like "do you still find me attractive?" and the need to be reaffirmed that no matter what the weighing scale says has nothing to do with how he sees me and feels for me. I also struggle to keep these thoughts away from my mouth. Thoughts that shouldn't be blurted within ear shot of the kids for I know how it can affect them. I know full well how damaging it would be for them to hear words of self-doubts when I (we, including their father) cheer them on every single step of their way.
Reading this piece by Kasey Edwards entitled "When Your Mother Says She's Fat" reminded me of that resolve to love myself to every bit, every line and every curve. Quoting one of my favorite lines from the article "Just like you, I have spent my whole life feeling fat. When did fat become a feeling anyway?" No, really when???
Listening to the everyday declarations of love and adoration that my children give to me, I feel so blessed that they can see me even further than I can see and appreciate myself. So starting this day I resolve to leave all my bodily insecurities behind. Starting this day, I resolve to say I AM ENOUGH and be more gentle, be more kind and be more appreciative of my beauty and my body. Am I so glad to find inspirations from writers like Kasey Edwards who can put to words things I need to remember. What I find extremely helpful too is finding Amanda's blog Kind over matter and to get inspirational freebies like her Lovenotes to Myself which is just a perfect reminder and a booster for days when I slip and struggle. I can't say there won't be any more struggles on feeling less about myself because of how I look. But I am hoping that by loving myself more those slip ups will be few and far between.