It’s 4am and I am deeply touched by the outpouring of love and support. One of my dearest and longest friend Golda messaged me and I was so touched by it that I was immediately inspired to write these note. So for those who needed to read this from me, here it goes…
The past 9 years while in cancer treatments and after, I have been living the life that I carved out for myself. A big part of that is because I needed to shed a lot of layers of who I am and who I thought myself to be. It was a big reconnection phase and I did reconnect with myself. I came out of the past years rooted to who I am.
Death is not something I am bothered with because I know that however life happens I have lived the full breadth and width of it in the given moment. I was present enough to what mattered to me in the past 9 years and I was able to build deep loving relationships and connections with people. With this regard, I feel so secure, so held, so loved that I feel fullness in me knowing that I am going through challenges with so much support and care behind me. That’s a richness beyond my wildest dreams. A life with so much love that I have never even been able to envision for myself, yet I have it now. And I am proud of myself for having paved the way for all of these to manifest itself in the present. This is also where my sadness lie. Having to hold all the sadness and the worries of people who care for me deeply. Knowing that I can’t do much in keeping the sadness, frustration, worry at bay I can only assure you that I will go through treatments. I will show up. I will fight and I will be present to whatever is emerging. For that’s what I can do, to be in the now and to be engaged in whatever and however the day unfolds. I cannot promise I will be “always” strong or courageous in face of difficulties. What I can promise is I can be open and honest in sharing what feels right and true for me in any given time. Even if it means “saying I don’t know” or “I am scared” or “I am tired”. What I can promise is to be the me that I love now and amplify it. So please don’t be immersed in sadness. Celebrate the trajectories in life that brought us deeper together and know that I am here brazen and empowered to take this in because of all the love that surrounds me.